Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
