It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
