I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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