I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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