I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
