He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize