News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
