So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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