Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
