i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
