btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
