I think I won the penis lottery.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
