At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
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I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
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I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
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