Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
