Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
