Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
