Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
