Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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