im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
