I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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