if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea