At least make sure they are 18
Why
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Randomize
