I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
