I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
