Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
