Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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