I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
