I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
She's the barista slut.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
