I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
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