Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
