she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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