someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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