I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
