K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
