every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
