I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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