I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
