No awkward lesbian experiences without me
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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