Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We don't watch enough power rangers
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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