Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
