i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
