I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
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hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
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Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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