did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
