Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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