I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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