apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
