he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
