the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
