i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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