why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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