More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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