From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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