How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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