also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
