forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
