Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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