I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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