i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Actions speak louder than pants.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
