apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
40s are totally the cure
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
