I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
