somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
