I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
