I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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