I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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