All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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