haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
