I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
