did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
How external is "for external use only"?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
