had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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