saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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